Talking

My son is so precious to me.

I have loved every moment since birth.

Every season has been my favorite.

Which makes this one my favorite right now.

He is rapidly approaching age 5, and with everything in me, I want to slam on the brakes.

But, also, with everything in me, I am dying to see something new each day.

Today...we talked.

We talk every day.  And every day it's special.

Here's a few things he said today.

I took him to Target with me.  It was SO fun!  And when we walked to the car, and I popped the trunk, he asked, "Mom?  Can I help you?"

Melt.

Tonight, he asked me, "Mom, do I have a Grandpa?"

I replied, "Well, yes, honey, Pa and Pop are your Grandpas"

"They are Grandpas?!"    "Yes!"

"Do I have Grandmas?"

"Yes, silly!  Gran and Nana are your Grandmas!"

"Do I have Uncles?"

"Hare Bear, you KNOW you have uncles!  You have Uncle Chris and your other Uncle Chris, and Uncle Dan, and You're about to have an Uncle Schuy, and you have your Uncle Kevin who lives in Heaven."

some more chatter....then, a few minutes later.

"Mommy, why did Kevin die?"

Oh, dear.  Do I go into this now?  What do I tell him?

"Well, buddy, God was finished with him on this earth."  That is all he needs to know right now.

"Mommy, what did you do with him?"

"Me?  With Uncle Kev?   We....we.....we LAUGHED!"

"What else?"

"We went to the beach."

"What else?"

"We ate sushi!"

"What else?"

"I picked him up from football practice."

More questions...and my final answer was, "we danced together at Mommy and Daddy's wedding".

"But, I wasn't there!  Was I still in your tummy?"

"Mommy, who will I marry?"

"Well, Harrison, God will bring you a girl that your heart loves."

"Whose heart does Daddy love?"  "Mommy."

"Whose heart does Mommy love?"  "Daddy."

"Mommy, what will her name be?"

"Oh, bud, I don't know!  Only God knows!  Maybe her name will be Sarah.  Or Abigail.   Or Samantha!"

"But, Mom!  I don't know anyone named Samantha!"

My precious boy...he asks the greatest questions.  I can only imagine what a great friend, and (maybe) husband he will be.  He made me laugh and cry tonight.  He is such a sensitive little guy.  It used to worry me.  But, I love every ounce of who God is making him.

And, Samantha, if you're out there, don't come knocking for at least 20 more years!!

Hope

About 6 years ago, Brett and I started naming our years...It has varied each year, whether we name it in January or September (which is our 'new' year) in marriage.  The words have been simple, but chock full of meaning...fun, change, healing....

This January we didn't talk about it much.

But, I have a word, and I think it will stand for both of us.

It is written on my plate that sits close to our door.

I wanted a different word.  I tried to think of a different word.  But, it kept coming back to me, and I knew I needed to look at it every day, not just for a year, but for the rest of my life.

It is so simple, and so complicated.

Hope.

That is my word for 2013.

What do I hope for?

So, so much.

Healing, rest, newness, community, clarity, confidence, call, a baby...

To hope is so dangerous.  I have done it all too often, especially in that last category I mentioned.  It has been deferred, and it truly does make the heart sick.

But, out of that hope, although we lost something so precious, we gained our Blythe.

6 months ago we lost another baby, by way of ectopic pregnancy this time.  And now that I have 2 beautiful children (who are miracles, as all children are, but because of something I've learned, mine are true miracles to me), I find myself trying to fight hoping for another one.

I say, 'it's fine, maybe we don't really want another one.'

But, we really do.

But, I find myself saying something so different to protect my heart from the months of waiting that might come, as they did with Blythe.

But, no matter what.  I believe that hope does not disappoint.

And, although I grow disappointed at times, I trust in a bigger story, with plans much better than mine.

And I wait.

And I HOPE.