5 years

It's late, and I have no pictures to post.

But, this day is so emotional for me.

It passed by quickly.

I sobbed tears of joy with someone I love dearly.

I was able to have 2 sweet moms in my messy home for the afternoon.

I went to Bible Study.

All the while, remembering.

Today was the day he died.

5 years ago.

Kev.

And I miss him.  So much.  Still.

And I will, everyday, for the rest of this earthly life.

He added so much color to this world, that Kevin.  I am so glad I knew him.

And I'll see him again.   And I cling to that promise.

Until then, I will long for the day that death is no more.

And, I'll smile, and I'll cry, thinking of the joy it was to know him, and feeling the incredible pain that it was to lose him.

Miss you, Kev.  Love you long time.

Today I met Hope

Today.

Today was a really hard day for me.

Today was my due date with a special little one that now lays in Jesus' arms instead of mine.

One sweet little bug that was growing in my tube instead of the right place in my belly.

And my arms are still empty.

And so is my womb.

And I'm sad.

I stumbled through the day.  Exhausted, as my husband is out of town.  I thought about canceling my commitments today and farming out my kids so that I can just be alone with my grief...grief of the little one that we won't get to know on this side of Heaven, and grief of life, once again, looking different than what I would have hoped.

But, I didn't cancel.

I celebrated a dear friend's birthday.

I met with another new friend who is investing her time and talent in me and my story.

I met with a mentor who has been more life-giving to me this year than I could express in words.

And in the middle of it all, I ran into a sweet friend, and as I was visiting with her, another sweet friend's husband walked up.  He introduced me to his mom.

She was a dear, petite little thing.  With piercing bright eyes, and a smile that exuded joy.

I shook her hand.  We spoke.  She asked me which kids were mine.

And as I turned to chase my daughter, she said...

"Oh, and by the way, my name is Hope."

I stopped in my tracks.  Of course her name would be Hope.  On this day, of course, Jesus would give me a tangible reminder of HOPE.

Then she said, "But, you can call me Mamie." with a smile.

But, if I see her again, I will call her Hope.

And then I cried all the way home.

And I hugged my kids.

And I was reminded to not give up hope.

So, I won't.

What's in a name?

Eight and a half years ago, on our honeymoon, we talked about baby names.  We made a list.  I don't know where that list is.  But, the boy name at the top:  Harrison.  

Turns out that a few years later, it was the only one we could agree on!

We don't have the best family names between us, which was a value for me to use at least one.  Well, Harrison being my mother-in-law's maiden name, as well as Brett's middle name, was so perfect.  

But, then we read the meaning in our baby name book...

ADVENTURER

Jackpot!

We loved that...at the time, we were traveling overseas for weeks at a time, for several chunks of the year.  It was perfect to name him that, since we were on such an adventure ourselves...and what's even more perfect, is that my son is quite possibly afraid of his own shadow.

Adventurer?  Hmmm?

Yes.

He is the quiet observer in the room.  He may not try anything on a whim, but he certainly will try.  He will stick up for the kid getting sand kicked on him, and he will swim without a lifejacket, and he will dance his heart out when nobody's watching.  

And as I watch him grow, I know that this soft, tender, shy, loyal boy will grow into his own form of an adventurer.  Will he be methodical instead of spontaneous?  Maybe.  Will he think before he speaks?  Probably.  Will he make mistakes?  Tons.

Will his life be an adventure?

Absolutely.

And, I can't wait to see what kind of adventure it will be.

I love you, Harrison!

(His middle name is Case: Highly Distinguished-or Esteemed, can't remember which one!)