Pregnancy

It has been so very long since I have updated this blog.  I really like writing on it, but this last year has been so full, and I have been over capacity in so many ways.  The prior year as we adjusted to being back in the states from overseas, we had so much margin, and it was so sweet, but this last year, I jumped back into life so fast, and I got overwhelmed and overcommitted pretty quickly, so it left little time to document much, but, this, oh, this, I had to document....

On August 23, 2013,  I found two very faded pink lines on a pregnancy test.  Shock, tears and disbelief, thankfulness, praise--it was a myriad of emotions!

I believe I have been pretty candid on this blog of how God is building our family.  Harrison was my gift of grace--I became pregnant with him so easily.  Now, years later, I know that I had the help of having just gotten off birth control--my body was going crazy and it gave me the illusion of thinking that I could get pregnant easily.  I had no idea that, for me, it would not be that simple.

Then, the journey to Blythe was pretty well documented on here with all the pain and waiting that was.  It was a near year and a half with a miscarriage smack right in the middle.  I remember feeling so desperate for another baby.  At times, it was a total idol of mine.  I felt so forgotten.  And then she came.  Our Blythe, meaning "joy", and that she was, and is--a gift of joy.

Her first birthday came, and we both wanted to have a third child, and thankfully became pregnant again, which quickly ended ectopically.  I was crushed.  But, thankful that God had spared my health and my tube.  This led to another more than year-long wait for another baby.  There were more tears, doctors appointments, and watching pregnancy announcements, people being fearful to tell me they were expecting.  But, this time was different...

This time, I knew, without a doubt, that God's timing was so perfect.  Painful, but perfect.  I rejoiced with friends expecting babies.  I shed tears sometimes that I couldn't be expecting with them, but I was glad.

But, the year wore on, and I became a bit more resigned that maybe our two children were what God wanted for our family.  Maybe He would call us to add to our family in a different way.  Over time, my resignation would become joyful...maybe?  Brett became more okay with not having another one, but I could not shake the feeling that there was one more spot in our family...one more soul to grow and nurture and love...one more name...and I knew that if she came, because I knew it would be another girl if she came, that part of her name would be Hope.

But, my hope was waning.  I was getting tired of hoping and getting let down.  I remember going on a walk crying on the phone to my friend, telling her that I just didn't think it was going to happen and I was ready to give up, and I think I would have, until the next week, I saw those two lines.

We were going to go to Hollywood Studios on that day--it was the last day of a year of Disney passes, and we were enjoying them until the last minute.  Brett had told me he was going to ride a certain roller coaster, and asked if I would be too.  My practice the entire year had been that if there was a chance I was pregnant to not ride a roller coaster.  He wanted me to not make that decision based on a 'what if', he wanted me to enjoy our last time at the park.   So, that morning, I got up early, and it was a bit early to tell if I was pregnant, but I had felt some cramping, so I took a test, while the house was asleep.  And there they were.  I could not believe it.

That was 9 months ago, and I now sit across the room from a sleepy little girl in a swing.  Her name is Paisley Hope, and she is just over 3 weeks old.  And I'm so tired.  And I have cried, because I'm not sure how I can do this--be the mama of 3.

But, it was so what I wanted, and I could not shake the feeling of there being room for one more in our family.  And God knew.   He knew she would come, and fill our hearts with so much love that we all might burst.  And she has.  And as I look at her, I will always be reminded to never give up hope--even when that hope is tiring and hard.

Paisley, you are such a welcome part of God's story in our family.  I can't wait to love you for all the days you are with us.

Welcome to the world, precious girl.

5 years

It's late, and I have no pictures to post.

But, this day is so emotional for me.

It passed by quickly.

I sobbed tears of joy with someone I love dearly.

I was able to have 2 sweet moms in my messy home for the afternoon.

I went to Bible Study.

All the while, remembering.

Today was the day he died.

5 years ago.

Kev.

And I miss him.  So much.  Still.

And I will, everyday, for the rest of this earthly life.

He added so much color to this world, that Kevin.  I am so glad I knew him.

And I'll see him again.   And I cling to that promise.

Until then, I will long for the day that death is no more.

And, I'll smile, and I'll cry, thinking of the joy it was to know him, and feeling the incredible pain that it was to lose him.

Miss you, Kev.  Love you long time.

Today I met Hope

Today.

Today was a really hard day for me.

Today was my due date with a special little one that now lays in Jesus' arms instead of mine.

One sweet little bug that was growing in my tube instead of the right place in my belly.

And my arms are still empty.

And so is my womb.

And I'm sad.

I stumbled through the day.  Exhausted, as my husband is out of town.  I thought about canceling my commitments today and farming out my kids so that I can just be alone with my grief...grief of the little one that we won't get to know on this side of Heaven, and grief of life, once again, looking different than what I would have hoped.

But, I didn't cancel.

I celebrated a dear friend's birthday.

I met with another new friend who is investing her time and talent in me and my story.

I met with a mentor who has been more life-giving to me this year than I could express in words.

And in the middle of it all, I ran into a sweet friend, and as I was visiting with her, another sweet friend's husband walked up.  He introduced me to his mom.

She was a dear, petite little thing.  With piercing bright eyes, and a smile that exuded joy.

I shook her hand.  We spoke.  She asked me which kids were mine.

And as I turned to chase my daughter, she said...

"Oh, and by the way, my name is Hope."

I stopped in my tracks.  Of course her name would be Hope.  On this day, of course, Jesus would give me a tangible reminder of HOPE.

Then she said, "But, you can call me Mamie." with a smile.

But, if I see her again, I will call her Hope.

And then I cried all the way home.

And I hugged my kids.

And I was reminded to not give up hope.

So, I won't.

What's in a name?

Eight and a half years ago, on our honeymoon, we talked about baby names.  We made a list.  I don't know where that list is.  But, the boy name at the top:  Harrison.  

Turns out that a few years later, it was the only one we could agree on!

We don't have the best family names between us, which was a value for me to use at least one.  Well, Harrison being my mother-in-law's maiden name, as well as Brett's middle name, was so perfect.  

But, then we read the meaning in our baby name book...

ADVENTURER

Jackpot!

We loved that...at the time, we were traveling overseas for weeks at a time, for several chunks of the year.  It was perfect to name him that, since we were on such an adventure ourselves...and what's even more perfect, is that my son is quite possibly afraid of his own shadow.

Adventurer?  Hmmm?

Yes.

He is the quiet observer in the room.  He may not try anything on a whim, but he certainly will try.  He will stick up for the kid getting sand kicked on him, and he will swim without a lifejacket, and he will dance his heart out when nobody's watching.  

And as I watch him grow, I know that this soft, tender, shy, loyal boy will grow into his own form of an adventurer.  Will he be methodical instead of spontaneous?  Maybe.  Will he think before he speaks?  Probably.  Will he make mistakes?  Tons.

Will his life be an adventure?

Absolutely.

And, I can't wait to see what kind of adventure it will be.

I love you, Harrison!

(His middle name is Case: Highly Distinguished-or Esteemed, can't remember which one!)

Talking

My son is so precious to me.

I have loved every moment since birth.

Every season has been my favorite.

Which makes this one my favorite right now.

He is rapidly approaching age 5, and with everything in me, I want to slam on the brakes.

But, also, with everything in me, I am dying to see something new each day.

Today...we talked.

We talk every day.  And every day it's special.

Here's a few things he said today.

I took him to Target with me.  It was SO fun!  And when we walked to the car, and I popped the trunk, he asked, "Mom?  Can I help you?"

Melt.

Tonight, he asked me, "Mom, do I have a Grandpa?"

I replied, "Well, yes, honey, Pa and Pop are your Grandpas"

"They are Grandpas?!"    "Yes!"

"Do I have Grandmas?"

"Yes, silly!  Gran and Nana are your Grandmas!"

"Do I have Uncles?"

"Hare Bear, you KNOW you have uncles!  You have Uncle Chris and your other Uncle Chris, and Uncle Dan, and You're about to have an Uncle Schuy, and you have your Uncle Kevin who lives in Heaven."

some more chatter....then, a few minutes later.

"Mommy, why did Kevin die?"

Oh, dear.  Do I go into this now?  What do I tell him?

"Well, buddy, God was finished with him on this earth."  That is all he needs to know right now.

"Mommy, what did you do with him?"

"Me?  With Uncle Kev?   We....we.....we LAUGHED!"

"What else?"

"We went to the beach."

"What else?"

"We ate sushi!"

"What else?"

"I picked him up from football practice."

More questions...and my final answer was, "we danced together at Mommy and Daddy's wedding".

"But, I wasn't there!  Was I still in your tummy?"

"Mommy, who will I marry?"

"Well, Harrison, God will bring you a girl that your heart loves."

"Whose heart does Daddy love?"  "Mommy."

"Whose heart does Mommy love?"  "Daddy."

"Mommy, what will her name be?"

"Oh, bud, I don't know!  Only God knows!  Maybe her name will be Sarah.  Or Abigail.   Or Samantha!"

"But, Mom!  I don't know anyone named Samantha!"

My precious boy...he asks the greatest questions.  I can only imagine what a great friend, and (maybe) husband he will be.  He made me laugh and cry tonight.  He is such a sensitive little guy.  It used to worry me.  But, I love every ounce of who God is making him.

And, Samantha, if you're out there, don't come knocking for at least 20 more years!!

Hope

About 6 years ago, Brett and I started naming our years...It has varied each year, whether we name it in January or September (which is our 'new' year) in marriage.  The words have been simple, but chock full of meaning...fun, change, healing....

This January we didn't talk about it much.

But, I have a word, and I think it will stand for both of us.

It is written on my plate that sits close to our door.

I wanted a different word.  I tried to think of a different word.  But, it kept coming back to me, and I knew I needed to look at it every day, not just for a year, but for the rest of my life.

It is so simple, and so complicated.

Hope.

That is my word for 2013.

What do I hope for?

So, so much.

Healing, rest, newness, community, clarity, confidence, call, a baby...

To hope is so dangerous.  I have done it all too often, especially in that last category I mentioned.  It has been deferred, and it truly does make the heart sick.

But, out of that hope, although we lost something so precious, we gained our Blythe.

6 months ago we lost another baby, by way of ectopic pregnancy this time.  And now that I have 2 beautiful children (who are miracles, as all children are, but because of something I've learned, mine are true miracles to me), I find myself trying to fight hoping for another one.

I say, 'it's fine, maybe we don't really want another one.'

But, we really do.

But, I find myself saying something so different to protect my heart from the months of waiting that might come, as they did with Blythe.

But, no matter what.  I believe that hope does not disappoint.

And, although I grow disappointed at times, I trust in a bigger story, with plans much better than mine.

And I wait.

And I HOPE.

Today

I'm just finishing day 16 out of 17 full days of my husband being halfway around the world.

Lord willing, he will be home tomorrow!

And it has been easy, so, so easy.   I have not cooked anything more than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...I have been fed every single night by nearby families.  I have seen friends that I haven't seen in eons.  I have had so much help with my kids.  I have even gotten more than a few afternoons to myself.  My house?  It's a tornado.  A wreck.  But, I have had so much given to me that it is hard to complain about the time gone by without my other half.

But, today...today was hard.

It was long.  And I was so tired.  I am barely running on fumes.

My 18 month old didn't nap today, so to occupy her until an early bedtime, we went to play at a nearby Chick Fil A.  It was great.  We had ice cream and had lots of "Mommy time".  But, as I went to get a drink refill before our departure, through a series of accidental events, Harrison let Blythe run right out the door.

Thankfully I was RIGHT there, but she still made it to the parking lot.  I screamed.  I ran.  I embarrassed my son.  I shook for minutes afterward.  What if I had still been 10 feet away awaiting my refill?  What if a car had come at that second?  What if?  What if?

But, my baby.  She is fine.  And my other baby?  He is fine.

And I can't get hung up in the 'What if's'.  Because it will only make me crazy.

If 15 seconds of that moment had been different, she would have been smashed.  But, she wasn't.

And I hugged her tighter tonight.

And I hugged him tighter tonight.

And in 22 hours, I will hug my husband tighter when he, Lord willing, makes it home to me.